The Kitten Thunder Workout

I’ve been pondering a post about Oliver and his weird obsession with doors for three days. I was still pondering when it was time to come write this. Like the true professional I am, I decided to put off writing for a little longer. So I headed downstairs to work out.

Halfway through my work out, The Boy came down to work on model trains. Drat, I thought at first. But, self-consciousness aside, The Boy is much easier to have in the room during a workout than the boys. So I bring you: The Kitten Thunder Workout.

Step 1: Cardio
Get a glass of water, fiddle with your hair and do all the stuff one must do to put off actually starting cardio. Sit at the recumbent bike. Carefully choose a magazine to skim during commercials. Find a properly distracting TV show. Sigh. Actually begin cardio. After about five minutes, Obi will arrive in the basement to see what you are doing. Try to maintain smooth pedaling motions AND try not to kick Obi in the head as he attempts to sniff your feet.

Step 2: Sit Ups
After approximately twenty minutes on the bike, or until Obi has stuck his face in your water glass and forced you to run up to the kitchen for a fresh glass, find space on the floor for sit ups and weight training. Make sure you are using good form for your sit ups with your lower back pressed firmly to the floor. Try not to lift with your neck while Oliver, who followed you down from the second trip to the kitchen, lends his 13.5 pounds to resistance by sitting on your chest. Continue repetitions until Oliver bites you on the nose or lunges from your chest with enough force to pop your sternum. If you feel you can continue after he leaves, try a couple of repetitions of twisting sit ups.

Step 3: Weights
Select a set of dumbbells that are heavy enough to make you wonder whether they will actually break your skull if you drop them on your head. I find ten pound weights work well for this. Start with dumbbell flys – with your palms facing together in front of your face, lower the weights slowly out to your sides. Attempt to keep the weights at even heights even though Obi is now laying under one arm and grabbing at your wrist whenever it comes near. Repeat until he actually catches your arm. Try not to drop the ten pound weight on the ten pound cat as he bunny kicks your hand.

Move on to presses. If Oliver’s return to your chest still allows movement, you can lift your shoulders off the ground to engage your core muscles. Repeat until chin becomes raw from being licked by Oliver, or until a Kitten Thunder originates at your point on the floor. If you can anticipate the Thunder, it is advisable to get off the floor quickly. This movement can be counted toward your cardio.

Step 4: You’ve done enough, right?
At this point, you are ready to give up on the workout. Rationalize that you’ve been in the basement for an hour, which is how long you planned to exercise. Call it good. Maybe wonder if it would be easier to close a door during this workout. Realize that, had I written the blog I’d planned, you would know that Oliver has this weird obsession with doors…

4 responses to “The Kitten Thunder Workout

  1. Ah, so that’s the scientific name for that sound! Calpurnia Jean makes at least 4-cats’-worth of noise all by herself, and she has no one to fight with, so she must just be doing it for the hell of it!

    • My parents’ cat, Spade, is essentially a bowling ball with legs. He isn’t that heavy but you can hear his foot steps from across the room. We call him Spadeosaurus. He could totally thunder on his own!

      Calpurnia Jean is quite the name. Very pretty. But what else does she go by? Oliver is also Oli, Bunny and handsome grey man. Obi is also Tail or Belly, depending on which side is facing up.

  2. She was already named Callie when she came to live with me, but I decided that wasn’t fancy enough so I stretched it to Calpurnia Jean. She also gets called Chicken, Mom’s Chicken, Calliendo, Caltrate, Kai Vasha (that may be her Klingon name) and Pete. She probably needs some kind of therapy for all her multiple personalities!

  3. Pingback: Check your drawers | Kitten Thunder: Life lessons and cat tales

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