Very shortly after starting this blog, I wrote instructions on how to work out. I realized that it needed updating. After all, the cats…and I…are three years older. Updates will be noted in red.
Step 1: Cardio
Get a glass of water, fiddle with your hair and do all the stuff one must do to put off actually starting cardio. Sit at the recumbent bike. Find a properly distracting movie on Netflix. Sigh. Actually begin cardio. After about five minutes, Obi will arrive in the basement to see what you are doing. Try to maintain smooth pedaling motions AND try not to kick Obi in the head as he attempts to sniff your feet.
Step 2: Squats
After approximately thirty minutes on the bike, or until Obi has stuck his face in your water glass and forced you to run up to the kitchen for a fresh glass, run through your squats routine. This involves four types of squat of varying difficulty, using different muscle groups. The most important move is the pick up the brown kitten weaving between your feet. Use him as extra weight and kiss his ears until he insists on being set down. Repeat this move five more times as every time you set him down, Obi will ask to be picked up again.
Step 3: Sit Ups
Find space on the floor for sit ups and weight training. Make sure you are using good form for your sit ups with your lower back pressed firmly to the floor. Try not to lift with your neck while Oliver, who followed you down from the second trip to the kitchen, lends his 14 pounds to resistance by sitting on your chest. Continue repetitions until Oliver bites you on the nose or lunges from your chest with enough force to pop your sternum. If you feel you can continue after he leaves, try a couple of repetitions of twisting sit ups.
Step 4: Weights
Select a set of dumbbells that are heavy enough to make you wonder whether they will actually break your skull if you drop them on your head. I find ten pound weights work well for this. Start with dumbbell flys – with your palms facing together in front of your face, lower the weights slowly out to your sides. Attempt to keep the weights at even heights even though Obi is now laying under one arm and grabbing at your wrist whenever it comes near. Repeat until he actually catches your arm. Try not to drop the ten pound weight on the ten pound cat as he bunny kicks your hand.
Stop working out to rub Obi’s belly to see if that will get him to behave. Refuse his demand to go up to the belly rubbing quilt. Insist that the carper is FINE for a belly rub. Suggest he go find The Boy.
Move on to presses. If Oliver’s return to your chest still allows movement, you can lift your shoulders off the ground to engage your core muscles. Repeat until chin becomes raw from being licked by Oliver, or until a Thunder originates at your point on the floor. If you can anticipate the Thunder, it is advisable to get off the floor quickly. This movement can be counted toward your cardio.
Step 5: Planks
Braced on your toes and forearms, hold your body rigid with your back and legs flat. Kiss the kitten who crawls between your face and the floor. Start to tremble. Remember to breathe. Kiss the kitten as he crawls back the way he came. Tremble uncontrollably and release your pose to the floor for a ten second break. Feel two cats climb onto your back. Decide this is nicer than planking.
Step 6: You’ve done enough, right?
At this point, you are ready to give up on the workout. Rationalize that you’ve been in the basement for an hour, which is how long you planned to exercise.
Call it good.
Cats and videos go together like peas and honey. Or peanut butter and pickles. Or…something. Check out these videos from people who can relate to my exercise routine.
By the way, “skullcrushers” is a little bit too apt a name for that move.