Category Archives: Attempt at humor

Meet Flynn

Hello, peoples of the internet, Obi here. It’s been over a year since we’ve reached out. Sorry about that – The Girl and I are really busy with the small people. A lot has changed, so let’s dive right in with a new introduction.

Who are you and what do you do?

Um, hi, people…I guess. This is weird. Anyway, I’m Flynn. I’m three years old and I’ve been a Kitten Specialist here since July.

You’re an adult. Where did you spend your formative years?

Well, I was at another house. They had a dog. I don’t like dogs. So I thought about my options and decided to lodge a complaint. I did everything exactly as we’re supposed to, to the letter.

Yeah? What form of protest did you choose?

I pooped on the floor. Blatantly and often.

Classic. What happened?

They picked the dog. I did NOT see that coming.

Rough.

It’s okay. I like it here. The small people are really fun. I’d like it if The Girl would stop picking me up but at least she’s stopped walking with me. She’s a good scritcher. I like The Boy too.

He’s got enough on his plate. All his spare time belongs to me.

Got it.

So we should tell the peoples of the internet that we do have some bad news. Jack chewed the silicone straw off of one of Okay’s water bottles this spring. They were able to remove it surgically, but he evidently had a pre-existing condition with his lungs and he took a bad turn. The Girl took him back to the hospital and came back alone.

Is that why The Girl claps her hands at me and says “please don’t be stupid” when she catches me chewing on plastic bags?

Yeah, don’t do that.

I’m only chewing. I don’t eat them. I just like the crunchy feel.

Yeah, don’t do that.

So we were missing Jack and all of a sudden the people weren’t EVER leaving the house and here I was running the entire house by myself. It was getting to me. I needed a break once in a while. And then things got SO MUCH WORSE.

The whole family went out one day and brought back a tiny little monster that LOOKED like a cat but she was actually a tornado of claws and teeth and fury. I tried to be nice to her but I couldn’t even be in her line of sight without her attacking me. And she just got meaner and meaner no matter how hard I tried to be friendly.

The Girl tells me she was actually really sweet and everyone really loved her from the very start. It was just me. So I don’t know. She must have had a hard life before she got here.

After about a week, Calli – that’s what Buddy had named her – was just getting MORE crazy and violent. One day The Girl was carrying me to the bedroom to lock me in so Calli could do her shift as Kitten Specialist. But Calli was already out of her room and when she saw me she attacked. She tried to claw off The Girl’s leg to beat me with it. There was a lot of fur and blood and it’s all kind of a blur but The Girl eventually got Calli into one room and me into another.

I’ve seen The Girl’s scars from that. That was some pretty fine knifework.

Yeah. Well, The Girl realized that it wasn’t safe to keep Calli in the house when Okay or Buddy could open a door and wind up between her and me. The only reason we were even a little safe is because The Girl is tall. She cried a lot about taking Calli back to the rescue. She says she found a good home.

That explains the tension when I got here. I was glad when she stopped coming into our interviews. I mean, I’m trying to get a job and she was just hovering there, emitting…dread. NOT reassuring, lady. I think we hit it off pretty well.

We are. I mean, you’re not my brother, Oliver. I know The Girl wants me to be close to someone like that again but I just can’t. And Jack was a good guy. But he really was dumber than a box of rocks. Sweet, but man was he a lot. He always wanted to wrestle and he’d forget he was twice my size.

And he always took my good napping spots.

There are other napping spots?

You’ve got the shelf in the bedroom, the wall upstairs and The Boy’s chair – do you really need more?

Nope.

And that’s why I like you. We’ve got a good working relationship, a regular exercise routine, and you’re a quality roommate. I think things are working out fine.

Me too. Can I have more of the cat treats before dinner?

No.

So, that’s our update for now. Hopefully we’ll get into a groove and check in more often. I’m cute. Flynn’s cute. The small people are cute. Stories are bound to ensure.

Obi and Flynn, Me-out!

THE BEASTY

Hello, peoples of the world, Obi here.

AND JACK. I’M HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE BEASTY!

Yes, we’re going to tell you about the excitement we had the other night.

IT WAS A BEASTY!

Yes. Anywho.  It was getting close to sunset. The Girl was putting Buddy to bed (Okay was already in her room and asleep). The Boy was waiting in the next room in case she needed backup.

BUT WE NEEDED BACKUP BECAUSE I SAW THE BEASTY!

Yes. Having been relieved of our supervisory duties in the children’s rooms, I assigned Jack to patrol at the open windows and doors. I was going to take the next shift, after a little nap.

AND I SAW THE BEASTY!

Yes. I had just closed my eyes for a couple minutes and I heard Jack call out.

I SAW THE BEASTY!

Yes. I joined Jack at the patio door and called The Boy for reinforcements. Of course Jack and I could have handled it ourselves – except we’re not allowed outside.

AND IT WAS A HORRIBLE BEASTY!

Yes. The Boy came to see what we were yelling about.  He looked outside but he didn’t see.

IT WAS THE BEASTY!

Yes. He assured us there was nothing wrong.

BUT IT WAS THE BEASTY!

Yes. He said he would check it out. The Boy bravely went outside. To show he wasn’t afraid of any man or beast, he wielded the water hose and casually got things wet in several parts of the yard. Jack and I remained at the door, prepared to protect him if needed.

HE CONQUERED THE BEASTY!

Yes. There was no sign of danger by the time he came back indoors. Hey, Jack, what exactly did the beasty look like?

IT WAS COVERED IN FUR WITH A HUGE FLUFFY TAIL. THEY HANG UPSIDE DOWN TO STEAL FOOD IN THE CAFE. THE BEASTLIEST OF BEASTLY BEASTIES! AND IT WAS ALMOST NIGHT!

Ye- wait. It was a squirrel?

A BEASTY!

Hmm. Well, that’s embarrassing. Maybe I should have gotten more detail before we sounded the alarm.

THE BOY BEAT THE BEASTY! HE DIDN’T COME BACK UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING!

Yeah…let’s not tell The Boy about this. Promise not to tell, peoples of the internet?

Until next time,
Obi AND JACK, me-out!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

After setting up the tree this year, I asked my friends on Facebook to place their bets.

The bets were all about how long Squeak would allow the tree to stand. How long the ornaments would stay on. Whether he would climb it. But the only thing Squeak has done is turn the lights on (and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and…).

People forgot all about Kitten Thunder. And that this tree is for Obi.

Oliver was content to watch. And duck the halls, courtesy of a friendly toddler.

Eventually, even the tree was tired and we all took a nap.

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Man Stuff with Style

Oliver and I were on the couch this morning when Obi came up, leading The Boy to the belly rubbing rug. The Boy said “show your girl why you aren’t allowed to help with Man Stuff.”

Obi was not interested in showing me. He wanted his belly rubbed.

But The Boy borrowed my camera so he could document the issue.

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Seems the brown kitten rubbed against a door frame, claiming it in the name of Obi, just seconds after The Boy painted it.

While he looked awesome with frosted tips, I used the brush and a wet paper towel to remove the paint. And Oliver have him a bath.

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We wrapped presents today. Although Kitten Thunder is kind of mad about their boxes being filled with things that are not for them and jammed under their tree, Oliver thinks this is the best bag ever.

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Sew Fun

I’ve been quilting all week. I’m tired of it so Kitten Thunder offered to help.

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The problem is that Oliver had no legs.

And Obi prefers the sewing machine when it’s quiet and nothing is bobbing around.
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I’m practically on my own here.

The Farm Report

It’s been a while since we checked in on the farm and there have been many changes. For one thing, the farmer sold some of his land to the railroad and they built a storage facility.

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After they started building, the farmer got to thinking.

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He’s a little concerned about the facility. Seems they forgot to take into account the location of his homestead, the original family farmhouse, between the storage building and the tracks. How are they planning to get vehicles up to those bay doors?

As always, though, something else presents itself to distract him from these small worries.

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There’s always something bigger.

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Much, much bigger.

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Disco Kitten

Last year during the family Christmas shopping trip, I bought myself a pretty teal shirt covered in clear sequins. It seemed to be a perfect amount of festive and I was really excited about it.

Then I wore it.

Before noon it had rubbed sore spots on my arms. By the end of the work day I couldn’t wait to take it off. I’m pretty sure I did take it off the second the door closed behind me.

This shirt has been in my closet for a year. It has survived several rounds of culling because it is so pretty, even though looking at it made me sad because I was never going to wear it again.

But then! This week I realized that I could protect my arms and cover the more offending sequins if I wear a cardigan over the shirt. And so I did. Plenty of sparkle, no road rash.

And there’s an extra, unanticipated benefit.

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Three solid hours of sparkle reflection entertainment for the brown kitten. By the time the sun stopped coming in my office window and the light show was over, Obi was ready for a nap.

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His brother was happy to oblige.

A Plea From Obi

Dear people of the world,

We’ve had a very disturbing day. The Boy continues his efforts to ruin the laundry room. I even hid up in the ceiling to show him how valuable the space was in case there were ever intruders. But, after he closed up the ceiling with me in it, he seemed more irritated by my hiding than impressed. He took the piece of ceiling out and took me up to The Girl. I was held captive until he finished closing up all my hidey holes.

Rude.

Then The Girl started cleaning. And not normal cleaning. It’s Company is Coming cleaning. But even worse than usual. She went crazy and started throwing out things we need.

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Oliver and I tried to talk some sense into her. Yes, we have not used the giant bag of tissue paper for several months. Yes, someone peed in it. But we got this bag as part of the celebration when we officially adopted The Boy. We got his last name and this awesome bag. Why would you ever throw this out? I mean, have you seen our last name? That was NOT the best part of the deal – it takes The Girl three minutes to scold us by our full names now.

She also downgraded our fortress to two boxes and one piece of packing paper. Then she took the two shopping bags out of my fort and folded the sheet so it only takes up half as much room.

Ultra rude.

She posted the evidence of her wrongdoing, the above picture, on Facebook. Our Aunt Staci tried to make light of our plight by assuring us that they would be doing lots of shopping while they are here next weekend. They will bring us new bags.

This is stupid. Why would we settle for new bags when we could have MORE bags? It’s not like we’re running out of room.

But then it hit me. Aunt Staci actually believes this was a reasonable statement on her part. My poor cousins! While I have never met Cousins Puck and Bo, they deserve better than a family that limits their access to boxes and bags.

It really makes you think. No matter how bad your life is, things can always be worse.

Back to the plea. As soon as The Girl sat down, I jumped into her lap as a delaying tactic.

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I can’t hold out forever. Bring tuna.

It’s All Fun and Games

Last night, The Boy and I came home from beer drinking and plopped down on the couches to snuggle with the kittehs. Oliver was happy to purr with me but Obi was bored.

Obi had been bored all day.

I had an idea.

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I downloaded Cat Alone on my phone. The app has six games on it including ladybugs, flies, a green laser and a finger. Oliver was fascinated.

Obi was interested. For five minutes.

Then Obi was bored.

Oliver was getting pretty good at squishing bugs on the game but then he got too excited and I had to take my it away.

It’s all fun and games until a kitten starts chewing on your phone.

Conundrum

When I last posted, we were wondering what poor Obi would do about belly rubs now that the quilt is off the floor. At lunch time he had tried to talk The Boy into going into the fort with him.

That didn’t happen.

So what did the brown kitten do for his after work belly rub? Did he…

A) Do a belly flop onto the fort to collapse the whole thing?

B) Decide to get his belly rub on the quilt, now wadded up in a pile on the couch?

C) Decide that a piece of brown packing paper on the other side of the room was the proper place for belly rubbing.

D) Try really hard to find belly rubs on the basement carpet satisfying.

The answer is…E) all of the above.

Tuesday was a horrible night for Obi as he tried desperately to get a decent belly rub. None of these options worked for him. Two days later there is still no solution.

To make matters worse, he REALLY likes the fort. He plays in it all day.

Life is so hard for an abused brown kitten.

I suggested, while The Boy and Obi were trying to complete a morning belly rub today, that maybe he should just get his belly rubbed right there on the rug where it used to happen. Obi glared at me and walked away.

The Boy pointed out that Obi has never liked this rug. It was the old rug that was the belly rubbing rug.

Oh.

Poor abused brown kitten. The Boy giveth and The Girl taketh away.