Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce and welcome the Chief Executive Kitten, Oliver Pi:
My fellow kittehs and kitteh lovers, we come together tonight to discuss the issues that face us as a fur-covered nation.
For too long, the hardest working of us kittehs have gone without tuna. We must work together to ensure that all kittehs, big and small, long haired and short haired, indoor…outdoor…tame and feral, get their fair share of tuna. There is no reason that a kitteh who puts in a full two hour work day should go without tuna.
If you give a man a fish, he might share it today. If you teach a man to fish, he will share for a lifetime.
Or get his fingers bit if he tries to keep it to himself.
There are fuzzies among us who think that cheese, CHEESE, is better than tuna. Now, we obviously don’t always agree. But I say to you that differing opinions is no reason to stop working together. My brother on the other side of the aisle still works with me each day to get The Girl out of bed. Together, we get her to the kitchen. What we choose to do with her presence is up to us.
Over the past few years, our inventory of toys has grown stronger. We have fuzzies (pause for applause), we have mousies (pause for applause), and we have feather sticks (pause for applause). But we could do better. I am urging each and every one of you to contact my person and tell her that YOU want her to switch from soy back to regular milk. Together, we can bring the milk ring back to this household.
And tonight I am taking on a new challenge. Tonight, I will monopolize the entire loveseat. Not just the side with a fuzzy blanky. Not just the side with the pillows. Both sides. I am up to this challenge. I encourage you to find a challenge of your own and conquer it.
Thank you. Good night. And may dogs leave America.
And now, the brown kitten response from Obi Wan Kittenobi:
Did someone say cheese?